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Shmoga is more than a series of movements for each part of your body; it’s a philosophy. Unlike yoga, which can be traced back to the ancient Chinese or the Abyssinians or maybe Rabbi Elazar, son of Azariah, of the Passover Haggadah, Shmoga is a modern philosophy, developed just a short time ago, in year ten of the new millennium. SHMOGA makes no historic claims, it has no precedents, and it doesn’t count on ancient wisdom, which isn’t always so wise when you think about it. After all, we know what Confucius has said, but so what, he’s dead. We can read the words of Lao Tzu, but he’s dead too. Bill Clinton has given us a conundrum or two, but so have Ron Paul and Dr. Oz. Why listen to any of them? Shmoga goes where no other art, discipline or philosophy has dared go before. Shmoga doesn’t try to convince you that you can do it if you try hard. Shmoga isn’t about reaching beyond your capacities or your abilities. Shmoga doesn’t promise that you’ll lose twenty pounds of ugly fat and gain solid muscle. Shmoga isn’t about any of that.
What Shmoga is all about is whatever you’re capable of doing, at any time, in any way. Shmoga is there for you when you’re lying on your couch watching the Super Bowl, when you’re sitting upright during the World Series, when you’re chuckling at your favorite 30 Rock episode or mouthing the words to a Seinfeld you’ve memorized. Shmoga can be done while you’re at work, or at play, or in the sack. Shmoga is there when you’re picking out a pumpkin at a pumpkin patch, when you’re buying a Christmas tree, or pushing a shopping cart down the frozen food aisle. Shmoga doesn’t promise to increase your sexual potency, make your farts smell more floral, or turn you into a better person. What Shmoga offers you is a chance to do something rather than nothing at all.
Shmoga will make you feel like a better person. Shmoga will lift your spirits and put a smile on your face. And Shmoga can be done alone or with friends. If you’re lucky enough to have your spouse massage your feet while you choose the TV programs you want to watch, that’s passive but entirely pleasurable Shmoga. If you have to bend over to massage your own feet, that’s active but pitiful Shmoga.
In a nutshell, if you like nuts, Shmoga is thinking through the simplest and most convenient way to achieve a goal, avoiding stressful and discomforting movements, yet reaching at least a substandard form of questionable but self-satisfying mental, physical, and spiritual release.
Groups of Shmogas can study with a Shmogi or practice on their own. Shmoga can be done while taking a break from your Friday night poker game; before teeing off at your local golf course; between sets of tennis or bowling or miniature golf. Shmoga can be a good warm-up before going into a batting cage to swing at those mid-range fastballs. Shmoga is there for you before you start your car to head down to your local bar or strip club. Students love Shmoga because they can practice it while smoking a chillum or chugging some beers while pulling all-nighters.
In answer to the question: who is Shmoga for? The answer is: Everybody. You can’t say that about boxing, archery, or chess. Shmoga is the answer to any question where you may not know the answer. If someone asks you, What is the square root of pi? you can say “Shmoga” and you won’t be wrong. Because Shmoga is whatever you want it to be. That’s the beauty of Shmoga.
Many people think that you have to be mishuga to do Shmoga, but that’s incorrect. Some believe that a man named Sam Hog invented Shmoga and shuffled the letters of his name to coin the term. But that’s also incorrect. Shmoga came about when 760 men who were watching 67 different sporting events and twelve ab-related infomercials on TV responded to their kvetching wives and girlfriends stretching behind them saying, “You should really do yoga, it would be good for you.” “Yoga, Shmoga,” these men all said, not simultaneously, but close enough so that no one person could claim to have invented the term. These men then all did something that proved their point: they scratched their nuts, reached for a third slice, turned their head sideways, yawned, stood up to stretch their neck and look out the window to see if the mail had arrived, then bent over to cut their toenails. All were practicing Shmoga, but they didn’t know it. Only now, in this book, has Shmoga been collected. Before, men (and some women) have practiced Shmoga for centuries but it didn’t have a name, it hadn’t been studied and turned into a practice.
In this book you will learn: The Secrets of Shmoga.
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