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What writer would you have liked to write your biography?
WILLIAMS: Gorky.
What film would you like to have directed?
WILLIAMS: Ran. Or Dr.Strangelove, which is my favorite movie of all time.
What book would you like to turn into a film?
WILLIAMS: The Foundation, Issac Asimov.
What film would you like to watch over and over again?
WILLIAMS: Les Enfants de Paradise.
If you could have produced any TV show?
WILLIAMS: Something on the Discovery channel, I’m addicted. I remember watching the crocodile hunter sexing a crocodile by putting his finger in the croaca, that alone was worth the price of admission.
Does the way we urinate dictate the way we see the world?
WILLIAMS: No because if your eyes are down there, it would be much harder. If your dick was on your nose, imagine what that would be like?
What toy would you like that you don’t yet have?
WILLIAMS: The robotic version of the inflatable doll.
Change one thing about your first sexual experience?
WILLIAMS: The length.
Freud said mental health was basically sexual health, think he was right?
WILLIAMS: I think so. This was a man who did enough blow to kill a small horse.
Repeat one alcohol or drug experience you’ve had?
WILLIAMS: Ecstasy with Marsha was quite lovely, I’d do that again.
If you could be the lover of any person other than your wife…?
WILLIAMS: Susan Sarandon.
Retract one lie you’ve told?
WILLIAMS: ‘No, I’m not married.’
If you could steal one thing other than money without getting caught?
WILLIAMS: The Magna Carta.
If you could commit one crime without being caught…?
WILLIAMS: The destruction of all the nuclear secrets.
What can make you cry?
WILLIAMS: Just the insane violence all over the world, that makes me cry. And it’s unrelenting. I was performing in a club in New York and afterwards there was a guy sitting down with an Iranian, a Palestinian and an Israeli, and they all acknowledged that they want peace but they don’t know how to get to it. How do you create a Palestinian homeland when there’s a large amount of Palestinians who want to obliterate Israel? How do you stop this insane cycle that just keeps going on and on?
How do you deal with this as a comedian?
WILLIAMS: You try and find a way to address it. Some people are better at it than I am. I haven’t hit that one yet. I’m trying to find interesting things to talk about with it.
We’ve got Obama now, but before he appeared, who would you liked to have run for president, so you could riff on them?
WILLIAMS: Stephen Hawking. And Colin Powell with Gore Vidal as his running mate. That would be wild.
What’s your take on former president President Bush?
WILLIAMS: He was the short-attention span president. All the stuff just slid past. ‘Enron? Aw, that didn’t happen, did it?’ He walked away from that one. What frightened me was Bush almost died from a pretzel. At that point the Secret Service was going, ‘Game’s over, man.’ And his own dogs didn’t give a shit. That’s when I was really scared. They were licking him for the salt.
If you could only save one thing from your house…
WILLIAMS: The Miro painting.
Greatest work of art?
WILLIAMS: Picasso’s Guernica.
If you could be any person in history?
WILLIAMS: Da Vinci’s agent. ‘Leonardo what are you doing? You’ve got a lot of good stuff here.’
If you could invent anything?
WILLIAMS: What hasn’t been invented yet? Cold fusion. That would be the big one.
Be any sports figure?
WILLIAMS: Pele. He’s great, and very, very funny.
Play one instrument.
WILLIAMS: Piano, in a rat’s second.
Composed any music?
WILLIAMS: Beethoven’s Fifth.
What current musical group would you like to join?
WILLIAMS: Radiohead.
What three musicians or groups would you like to see on the same bill?
WILLIAMS: Sting, the Stones, and Dylan.
If you could have written one song…
WILLIAMS: “Let it Be.”
Eliminate one odor?
WILLIAMS: Farts.
What color describes you best?
WILLIAMS: Aquamarine.
What object best represents your personality?
WILLIAMS: A bicycle. It’s always on the move.
You have a passion for biking: how many bikes do you own?
WILLIAMS: Around 55.
These bikes are not cheap, are they?
WILLIAMS: Some of them are, most of them aren’t. I like the way you say that: ‘These bikes are not cheap!’
I saw a Porsche model that was like eight grand.
WILLIAMS: That’s to pay for the Porsche sticker on it. There’s also a Ferrari road bike—they hang an extra $2,000 for the sticker. I’ve got one of those, which I don’t ride, but it looks great.
So what do your expensive bikes cost?
WILLIAMS: You can get them for six or $7,000.
So you’ve got 55, that’s quite a collection.
WILLIAMS: Oh yeah, but they’re cheaper than Maseratis and easier to store. They’re all hanging in the garage. I love riding them. A lot of them are hand-made sculptures really. Most of them are made by craftsmen.
You went to the Tour de France to cheer on your buddy Lance Armstrong when he was competing. How did you and he become friends?
WILLIAMS: I went on a ride with him some years ago and then started to hang with him. I went to see him when he won the second Tour de France. I just love watching him.
When you ride with Armstrong, can you keep up?
WILLIAMS: Oh yeah, baby. I keep up with the man.
How often would you say you are happy?
WILLIAMS: A lot. The majority of the time.
What gives you pleasure?
WILLIAMS: Hanging out with the kids, seeing the amazing things that they say. And also looking around and realizing that God, I know a lot of amazing people. Like Al Pacino. Being up in Alaska and these weird ass places with him. And being back on the road again.
I remember seeing Pacino’s eyes light up when he said this line, which they didn’t use in the film [Insomnia]. He said, ‘What were you doing with her?’ And I said, ‘I was a mentor.’ And he said, ‘Yeah, you meant ta fuck her.’ It got a huge laugh. And I thought, ‘Ah, you’ve been bitten, haven’t you Al?’ That’s a great thing. Just meeting people like Al. Not because he’s famous, but he’s an extraordinary guy.
What period of history most fascinates you?
WILLIAMS: The Renaissance. And the 20th century. A double bill. It’s amazing to think that man landed on the moon in 1969 and that’s it, stop. The push was to get there. But wait a minute.
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